Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Channel 16

Good evening ladies and gentleman. I hope you’ve all had such a wonderful week, praising God to your upmost ability as the good sons and daughters of the Lord that I know you all are. I’d like to open up with a story, a true story, of something that happened to me a few years back. It won’t take but a minute.
            I first saw good ol’ Henry standing on the side of the road with only the clothes on his back to call his own, carrying a sign that said “God bless” and begging for spare change.  My heart became so full of pity and love for him, and so I did what any good Christian would do and prayed up to the Lord, and I said, “Lord God what should I do for this man? This man has a heavy heart, that I can see, and I feel the need to show him your heavenly light once and for all.” I wait a moment in my car, and then I see the Lord’s words scatter throughout my brain so clear and concise that I nearly fall into tears. He says through the images of my own mind, “Steven, you need to talk to this man. Through my powers that I grant you, you will heal this man. This I promise.” I said, “Ok, Lord. As your faithful servant I shall follow your orders and heal this man of his heavy heart.”
            So, I pull up to the poor man and I say to him, “I came to say that the Lord God blesses you more than you know. Have you thought about that sign any today that you hold to the world?” He looks up, beard full of grime and spit and all kinds of nasty things, and says, “I have not.” And so I look to him and say, “Get in the car, young man. This is the first day of your life.”
            Well, he obeys and gets in the car. I get to asking him how he came to such a terrible place in life and he tells me that he was once a family man who took to drink and lost everything. I told him not to worry, that the Lord forgives all our transgressions if we only ask for it, and he starts crying. Surely nobody can save a man in such filth, right? Well I tell you that the Lord works in many mysterious ways, and that no soul is unfit for saving in his eyes. I am lost for words, though. I feel that all my powers granted from the Lord are not strong enough for this man, that I’ll need something a little stronger to save such a wretched soul. I would give poor Henry some money, but money only helps when in the hands of the Lord. I would give him food, but that would only feed him for the day. The only thing I could possibly give him was the ability to see and feel the Lord’s love. But, how can I do that to a man so lost and so devoid of hope? And then I remember! In my glovebox, under my Bible, I kept a bottle of, “Steven Water’s Holy Water of Healing Powers” for occasions just like this!
         We stop in the parking lot of a nearby Church, and I have us both get out of the car. I say, “Get on your knees and pray, Henry! Pray to Lord God in heaven right now! Repent your sins!” and I open the bottle of “Steven Water’s Holy Water of Healing Powers” that I created to put the power of God in each and every one of your hands. I open up that bottle and I screw on the handy sprinkling top that comes with every bottle, following the very clear instructions on the back of the bottle, and I read the Lord’s Prayer that is also written on the back of the bottle, while sprinkling the water on his head.
            “Show me the light!” He screams! “I see the light!” He’s on his hands and knees, his arms out reaching for the skies, and I’m sprinkling the “Steven Water’s Holy Water of Healing Powers”, and little by little he comes from off the ground, screaming, “I see the light!” until finally he is equal with me in strength and faith.
            Well, let me tell you, I’ve kept up with good ol’ Henry Hulligan. We’re the best of friends now. And just to show you that all these words that come out my mouth are as true as the Lord God Himself, I’ve brought him out tonight! Come on out, Henry! Come on out! There you are! Look how clean and fresh he is. That’s a nice suit, Henry, no, no, thank you for making it out here tonight, Henry. Henry’s informed us that he just bought his first house in downtown Houston only five miles away from his new job making over $100,000 a year. Isn’t that right, Henry? He’s got a brand new Lexus, Rolex, and he also happened to find a hundred dollar bill lying on the ground just last week. Henry can thank all of his fortunes to “Steven Water’s Holy Water of Healing Powers”, which you can get for the small price of $15.99. We sell it here in the back lobby after service. And for you viewers at home, we sell it online with free shipping and handling. You can call the number at the bottom of the screen to talk with a professional and get you a bottle as soon as possible. Thank you, Henry. Everybody give him a round of applause! God bless you, Henry! God Bless!
            Now stay tuned, we’re going to take a quick commercial break. You wouldn’t want to miss more of the Lord’s love, would you?

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